8 minute readWhat is self-settling?
As the name suggests, self-settling refers to your baby’s ability to settle themselves to sleep without needing to be pacified, comforted, or fed. It means they’re able to fall asleep independently, as well as settling themselves back to sleep — with minimal fussing and crying — when they wake up.
Babies’ early sleep patterns are pretty erratic, and it’s normal for them to wake frequently during the night. Developing the capacity to self-settle means they don’t necessarily rely on you to console them every time they rouse — which helps them get better quality sleep and gives you a little more nighttime peace and quiet.
What’s the difference between self-settling and self-soothing?
While these terms are often used interchangeably, they actually refer to different aspects of sleep and emotional regulation. Self-settling is the ability of a baby to fall asleep independently, without the need for rocking, feeding, or patting, and is a skill that develops over time through a consistent routine and a secure sleep environment.
Self-soothing relates to a baby’s ability to regulate their emotions and calm themselves when upset. This typically evolves gradually — over years rather than months — as emotional regulation requires neurological and developmental maturity. Expecting babies, especially those under six months, to self-soothe is widely regarded as unrealistic.
When can babies start self-settling?
First things first: newborns don’t have the ability to self-settle, so for roughly the first three months of their life they’ll likely require physical and emotional reassurance to help them fall asleep and settle back down when they wake up. This is called “responsive settling”, and involves identifying your baby’s nighttime needs and responding accordingly.
When they reach around 3 or 4 months of age, it’s possible for babies to start learning to self-settle. By 6 months they’re far more likely to be sleeping through the night without waking, so at this stage they’re often able to sleep far more independently — without the need to be fed or comforted back to sleep when they wake up.
This isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, of course — there aren’t many of these when it comes to parenting — and for some little ones it can take longer to develop self-settling capabilities.
Rest assured this isn’t usually anything to worry about, and your baby may just need a little more time and encouragement before they’re able to settle independently.
How do I know if my baby is self-settling?
Your baby might take to self-settling quite naturally, or they may require a little help on their journey to sleep independence. Either way, how can you tell when they’re ready and able to self-settle? Well, fortunately, there are a few “self-settling behaviors” you can look out for, which will give a good indication that your baby is learning to settle down by themselves.
Here are some telltale signs of self-settling to look for in your baby:
They’re becoming a right little sucker
Given that it’s exclusively how they feed as a newborn, babies learn to associate the act of sucking with nourishment and security — which is perhaps why even older children often take a while to grow out of thumb-sucking as a soothing, sleep-inducing failsafe.
Babies are born with a natural sucking reflex, and if you notice they’re beginning to suck on their fists, fingers or thumbs — or they readily take a pacifier into their mouth when offered — this is a sign they’re learning techniques that will help them eventually pacify themselves.
They’re rocking their head from side to side
It’s probably a bit early for your little one to have developed a taste for head-banging heavy metal music — they’ll hopefully save that for their teens — but gentle head-rocking is one self-settling technique they may start to experiment with.
Babies are often comforted by rhythmic and repetitive motions — like those they experienced in the womb — and rocking their head can provide a steady, soothing sensation that calms their nervous system and helps them drift off to sleep.
They “say a little prayer”
It’s unlikely Aretha Franklin was referring to her infant self’s ability to self-settle, but when your baby can pull their hands up to their midline so they resemble a “praying” position, it’s a sign they’re gaining increased control over their arm and hand movements.
What does this have to do with self-settling? Well, bringing their hands together can provide a symmetrical, stable position that feels calming to a baby, while it also indicates they’re discovering the soothing qualities of self-touch.
They’re touching their ears, nose, or hair
Continuing along the theme of increased hand movements and body awareness, a baby who’s learning to self-settle may start to discover that it feels surprisingly calming to gently stroke their ears, rub their nose, or run their little fingers through their hair.
Much like a parent’s soothing touch, these gentle actions often provide sensory stimulation and comfort — that said, frequent ear or nose touching can indicate discomfort or teething, so pay attention to increased fussiness or other symptoms such as a mild temperature.
They’re falling asleep independently
One unmistakable sign of a baby who’s capable of self-settle? They’re already able to fall asleep by themselves without needing to be held, rocked, or fed — even if only occasionally.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t ever need comfort, of course — and there’s no guarantee they’ll settle back down independently if they wake up during the night — but it shows a decreasing reliance on parental intervention and suggests they’re beginning to discover their own soothing strategies.
They’re not crying every time they wake up
Particularly during the newborn stage, you’ll get used to the sound of your baby’s cries as they alert you to the fact that a) they’ve woken up, and b) they’re in need of feeding, comforting, or both. But this will happen less frequently as they get older.
If more and more often they’re waking without crying — perhaps they’re gently whimpering or making gurgling noises rather than all-out blubbering — your baby is likely learning the art of self-settle, and will soon regularly be able to soothe themselves back to sleep.
What if my baby is not self-settling?
Self-settling doesn’t come naturally to all babies, and some will require a little more help and reassurance before they’re ready to fall asleep independently. It can also take some little ones longer to learn self-settling techniques than others, so it’s important to be patient and understand that your baby is unlikely to master it overnight.
If your baby is refusing to self-settle, it might be because:
They lack a steady routine. Babies thrive on consistency and rhythm, and they may not feel secure enough to self-settle if they have an irregular bedtime schedule.
Their needs haven’t been met. Your baby is unlikely to settle down to sleep independently if they’re hungry, gassy, too hot or cold, or in need of a diaper change.
They’ve become dependent on “external” soothing. If your baby is accustomed to being fed, held, or rocked to sleep, it may take longer for them to learn self-settling techniques.
They’re experiencing separation anxiety. The fear of being separated from their caregiver often develops in babies from around 8 months, which can make it difficult for them to settle independently.
There’s a health condition or concern getting in the way. Look for symptoms such as a high temperature, skin changes, or a lack of appetite, as these may indicate an underlying health issue that’s preventing your baby from settling.
They’re not ready. All babies evolve at different speeds, and they may simply not feel ready to self-settle — remember, this ability doesn’t tend to develop until at least the 3-month stage.
If your baby is really struggling to self-settle — perhaps they’re over 6 months old and they still consistently rely on you to settle them to sleep, or they’re waking with unusual regularity — you can find plenty of tips for encouraging them to become more independent in our guide to How to Teach Your Baby to Self-Soothe.
Of course, if you’ve exhausted all techniques and your baby is still unable to self-settle, or you think there might be an underlying medical reason behind your little one’s aversion to sleep independence, you should talk to your baby’s doctor or pediatrician.
While your baby is unlikely to develop the hours-old instincts of a newborn giraffe or a freshly-hatched turtle, learning to self-settle is one big step towards greater independence — and recognizing the signs that they’re developing this ability can help you determine whether they need a little extra guidance and encouragement.
Just remember: your little one won’t become a self-sufficient sleeper overnight, so don’t rush them. They’ll often take to self-settling when they’re good and ready.
Reviewed by Rosey Davidson, Sleep Consultant, founder & CEO, in November 2024.