What about the moments that every mother will experience at some point? The moments that don’t necessarily warrant a hastily shot mobile phone video but are just as worth celebrating as all those other firsts, too.
So, to that end, here are the major mama milestones we want everyone to start congratulating themselves for. Because, quite honestly, if you don’t take a moment to praise yourself, nobody else will…
The first postpartum poop
Ah, the sheer terror that comes with using a toilet after giving birth. Not only do you have to capture your first stingy post-baby pee in a disposable bed pan (so undignified) for obstetricians and midwives to measure, but you also have to endure endless interrogation about your bowel movements. “Have you pooped yet?” they’ll ask you at every given opportunity, and, if you’re anything like this writer, you’ll wind up a) embarrassedly apologising for your lack of number twos, and b) quietly working yourself up into a state of pure terror over it.
It makes sense that we’d all feel at least marginally concerned about it. After all, the last time we felt like squatting and bearing down, an actual person came out of us. It stands to reason, then, that we might be more than a little concerned about what might happen if we do it again. Will everything hold? What else might take the opportunity to evacuate the premises via our bowels? And what about our stitches, damn it?!
At some point, you won’t be able to hold it in any longer. So load up on fibrous snacks, drink as much water as you can, and give yourself the biggest pat on the back afterwards; bravery like that is well worth celebrating!
The first time you deal with your baby’s poop
Everyone always jokes that new parents are obsessed with talking about poop, and I don’t mean to play into that stereotype, but you genuinely will find that first diaper worth talking about (with those in the know, obviously). I can’t tell you how many of my friends-with-kids laughingly warned me about what I’d find in there, but I ignored all of them. It wasn’t until I peeled it back to find a mess of black sticky sci-fi monster poop – one that kept coming, like some nightmarish version of a magician’s neverending handkerchief – that I finally understood what they’d been on about.
“The black poop was an EXPERIENCE,” says Christine, Bristol. “A horrifying one.”
Another self-awarded trophy, then, for dealing with the diaper from the black lagoon like an absolute pro. Well done, mama!
The first time someone calls you ‘mama’
Don’t be fooled; the first person to call you by the name “mama” or “mom” won’t be your precious baby; it will be one of the consultants or midwives assisting at your birth. Usually because (and, let’s be fair to them, they’re busy people) they’ve forgotten your name. Sorry not sorry.
The first genuinely relaxing shower
Phantom crying. As in, yes, that gut-churning phenomenon that occurs when you snatch a quick shower while your baby safely kicks about in their crib. The minute the water starts running, you’ll hear your baby cry – but, when you rush to their aid (still sopping wet, I hasten to add), you’ll discover that they’re perfectly fine. Not a tear or scrunched up angry face in sight. And this will happen every single time until, one day, it doesn’t.
“Not asking, but telling my husband to take the baby out so I could enjoy my shower was a big deal,” says Tilly, Leatherhead. “It meant I could get washed and scoff a chocolate bar in blissful silence.”
The first time you pee yourself
Look, I don’t want to be the voice of doom, but you’re probably going to pee yourself postpartum. It’s extremely common, because pregnancy and childbirth lead to a weakened pelvic floor, which makes bladder control more difficult – especially while sneezing, laughing, or coughing. That doesn’t mean it won’t feel any less embarrassing, though.
“The first time I vomited after giving birth, I peed my pants,” says Charlotte, who lives in Barcelona. “Luckily, I was at home!”
Yes, it’s embarrassing – but you’ll get through it. I promise. And it’ll probably be the thing that convinces you it’s time to start your pelvic floor exercises, so that’s your dubious silver lining.
The first time you master the art of the catnap
Sleep is fleeting when you have a baby; everyone knows this, and everyone insists on terrifying expectant parents with this fun titbit of information on a regular basis. But here’s the thing; those sleepless nights will provide you with the intense training you need to finally master the catnap.
“The sleep deprivation is not easy,” says Alice, from Pennsylvania. “But honestly? Now I can nap instantly for even as little as three minutes. It’s my superpower.”
The first time you get them to nap without crying
In an ideal world, babies would always fall asleep immediately and stay asleep when you pop them in their cribs. Sometimes, though, you end up with a baby who just wants to be held as she naps – and who screams herself awake when you put her down (I should know; I’ve got the receipts!).
It’s a big deal, then, when you manage to successfully transfer your sweetly snoozing baby from your arms to their cot for the very first time. A very big deal. Huge!
“It gave me a golden window of opportunity,” says Kat, from Bromley. “I could shower, or eat, or sleep – mostly sleep. It made everything so much easier!”
The first time you take your baby out-out
Walking your baby around the park is one thing, but taking them to a restaurant for the first time? Major milestone! This writer still remembers nervously ordering brunch, one eye on my sweetly cooing baby in her pram, sweat beading on my forehead as I waited for her to cry.
She didn’t cry! Not that time, anyway. And, if you pick your restaurant right, it doesn’t matter if she does have a big cry session, anyway. Babies are going to baby. C’est la vie!
Your first public feed
If you’re bottle feeding, there’s the fear some nosy busybody might stomp over to you and give you an unsolicited lecture. If you’re breastfeeding, it’s the desperate attempts to shroud yourself in secrecy as you do so. And, if you’re me, it’s carrying your breastfeeding pillow out with you to make everything a lot less stressful when your baby suddenly demands an unexpected feed in a busy cafe.
And on that note, Georgia, from Dorking, says: “I loved reaching the stage of not caring about members of the public seeing my nipples. I knew that they were likely going to get a flash when I was awkwardly trying to latch the baby on and she unexpectedly decided to pull off and expose me to the world. And I got to the point where I just didn’t care. If anyone has a problem with it, it says much more about them than it does me!”
Your first postpartum bedroom session
It’s not something you’re usually thinking about when you take your baby home from hospital, but it usually comes up in conversations with midwives and doctors as they anxiously ask you about contraception (they never laughed at my “I’m trying abstinence” jokes) and remind you that you can get pregnant if you have unprotected sex, even in these early postpartum days. Especially during these early postpartum days, actually.
“I was desperate to tell the doctor at my 8-week checkup that I was having sex again,” says Helen, Southampton. “I don’t know why, but I was. It led to a very awkward fumble and a lot of new sensations – but, after that, we took the time to get to grips with all of the changes my body, and the next time was… still quick, and done stealthily as the baby slept, but so much better!”
Your first hot drink
Remember how you used to pour yourself a tea or coffee, and then drink it? While it was still hot? Yeah, it takes a really long time for that to happen again after you throw a baby into the mix! Either you won’t have time to make one, or you won’t have time to drink it.
Which is why, when you manage to down an actually still hot beverage for the first time, it’s a very big deal.
“I never drank coffee until my daughter was born,” says Jodi, from Cheam. “And I’m still only on one a day – but I’ve now realized that doing a quick delivery on Uber Eats means a) I get hot coffee and b) I get it in time to ensure I make it to 8am!”
The first time you swat away unsolicited advice
If you’re anything like this writer, you’ll initially be too awkward to do anything about the unhelpful advice that people decide to treat you to in the early days of motherhood. And then you’ll go home and stew about it. Over time, though, you’ll find ways to shut this nonsense down politely.
Personally, I make like Amy Poehler and opt for a “good for you, not for me” response. It validates their choices and experiences, whilst making it very clear that they won’t be impacting mine. And, really, isn’t that the ultimate?
There are thousands more tiny milestones worth celebrating, of course. The first time you deal with engorged breasts (cabbage leaves work – as does a good pump!), or button a babygro correctly in the dark, or tie a sling without thinking about it.
Maybe it’s the first time you make yourself a meal, or go for a haircut, or meet up with non-mum friends and don’t talk about your little one the entire time. Maybe it’s the first time you manage to read a few pages of a book, or take your baby on public transport, or deal with the sort of explosive poonami that bursts through a nappy and several layers of clothes. Maybe it’s the first time you make up a bottle without reading the instructions, or leave the house without vomit in your hair, or know why they’re crying just by the sound. Maybe it’s the first time you go out for the night, or watch a movie from start to finish in the same evening, or have friends over. Maybe it’s just the first time you realize that you’ve got this.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: there’s no list of perfect milestones for each and every single person. And the small moments are just as worth celebrating as the big ones – maybe even more so, actually.
So, the next time that your baby is asleep – and you have a hot minute to yourself – think about all the things you’ve achieved since they arrived. All the big and little moments you’ve shared together. And then treat yourself to something delicious, damn it. If anyone deserves it, it’s you!