Why won’t my baby settle down?
It’s the middle of the night and yet again, your baby is wailing the house down. What gives? If you’re wondering what’s wrong, it’s likely nothing to worry about. But babies aren’t the best communicators, and unfortunately this means that it’s normally up to you to figure out what’s wrong.
Here are a few of the most common reasons why your baby might be struggling to settle down.
They need to be burped
Babies have tiny, sensitive tummies, and they tend to gulp a lot of air while feeding. That air has to go somewhere, and in the immortal words of Shrek, it’s a case of “better out than in”. If it doesn’t get burped out, it can lead to some seriously uncomfortable bubbles, meaning much fussiness and nighttime squirming.
To ease the gassiness, try holding your baby against your chest and gently patting or rubbing their back to help them release that trapped air. It might take a few tries, and also come with a few surprises — you’ve been warned.
They need feeding
Hunger is arguably one of the most common reasons for babies to cry, and as you’ve probably noticed, they don’t hold back when they’re ready to eat. Newborns might not need as much food as a 6-month-old, but their feeding schedules require a greater number of feeds throughout each 24-hour cycle. This is particularly true for babies around 3-6 weeks of age, where cluster feeding may occur.
They’re overtired
We’ve written about wake windows before, but to cut a long story short, timing is everything. When babies stay awake for longer than their normal wake window, they can get overtired, which can somewhat paradoxically make it much harder for them to settle down. Look out for yawning and eye rubbing — two key indicators of an overtired tot.
They’re too chilly or too hot
Babies aren’t the best at regulating their body temperature, so if they’re a little too hot or cold, this could be preventing them from catching ZZZs. If their back or neck feels sweaty, they’re likely too warm, but if their tummy feels cool to the touch, they might need another layer. A sleep sack can help keep them cosy, but for tips and tricks, view our guide to creating the best baby sleeping environment.
They’re unwell
Sometimes, your baby’s discomfort might be rooted in an underlying condition. They might be suffering from a cold, teething, or even experiencing growing pains. Soothing these ailments is different from one case to the next, but we’d always recommend speaking to a paediatrician just to make sure it’s nothing more serious.
They’re feeling needy
It’s completely natural for your little one to seek you out when they’re feeling fussy because they associate you with comfort and safety. The familiar sound of your voice, your scent, and your touch can do wonders to calm them down. Sometimes, all they need is a few quiet moments held in your arms!
What age can I teach my baby to self-soothe?
Some babies will naturally be able to settle themselves off to sleep from the early weeks, but it’s very common that most will need a bit of help. You’ll generally need to keep soothing your baby as needed until they’re around 3 or 4 months old. After that, you can start gradually introducing some gentle self-soothing techniques.
Just keep in mind that falling asleep independently is a big milestone — it requires a level of emotional control that babies develop slowly over time. Most little ones start picking up some self-settling skills between 4 and 6 months, so be patient with the process and trust that they’ll get there in their own time.
How to help your baby to self-soothe
Self-soothing doesn’t happen overnight — it’s a process, and in this game persistence is key. Here’s how to get started:
Make sure their needs are met first
Before anything else, check that your baby’s basic needs are covered: have they been fed and burped, do they appear comfortable, and do they have a clean diaper? Self-soothing is a lot easier for babies when they’re not distracted by hunger, discomfort, or a little gas…
Set a schedule
Babies thrive on routine, and a regular sleep schedule can help them start to recognize cues for when it’s time to wind down. Try to keep naps and bedtime at consistent times each day. A calming pre-sleep routine — like a warm bath, storytime, or gentle lullaby — can signal to them that sleep is coming. Timing is everything here. It’s important to ensure they’re tired enough to settle down, but not so tired that they become fractious and resistant to sleep!
Put them down when they’re sleepy, but not asleep
If your baby regularly falls asleep in your arms and wakes up in their crib, they’ll likely rely on you to settle them and find it more difficult to soothe themselves when they wake. Instead of soothing them to sleep before laying them in their crib, look for signs that your baby is drowsy — but crucially still awake — when putting them down for a nap or at bedtime. This will help get them used to falling asleep on their own.
Wait a little while before responding to their cries
We’re not suggesting you straight-up ignore your baby here, but a brief pause to see if they’ll relax is a key part of teaching your baby to self-soothe. If you rush in every time you hear a whimper, they’ll likely continue to rely on you to soothe them back to sleep, so give them a minute or so and see how they get on. If they continue to cry, swoop in and start soothing.
Soothe them while still in their crib
Your instinct might be to pick your baby up as soon as they start fussing, but try to resist this parental reflex. Instead, try offering comfort while keeping them in their crib. Pat their back, gently shush them, or hold their hand and offer a little reassurance. This teaches your baby that the crib is just as safe as your arms, and strengthens the association between “comfort” and “crib time”.
Take a break
This links in with our previous tips, and it’s important to remember that self-soothing isn’t just about your baby’s comfort — it’s about yours too. It’s okay to step out for a moment, take a few deep breaths, and come back refreshed. Babies can sense stress, so taking a short break can help you both reset.
Use a dummy
Sucking can naturally calm and comfort your little one,and if your baby takes to a dummy, it can be a great way for them to soothe themselves without needing much from you. Believe it or not, it’s actually safe to let your baby sleep with a pacifier, too.
Offer them a “security object”
It’s important to note that your little one should be at least 12 months old before you let them sleep with a blanket or soft toy, but when your baby is old enough, having a familiar object within arm’s reach can help them self-soothe at bedtime or when they wake in the night. Their little blankie or favourite stuffed animal might have a familiar texture and smell, which can help them feel secure even when they’re alone in their crib or bed.
Remember: practice makes perfect!
Like any new skill, self-soothing takes practice. Don’t be discouraged if your tot doesn’t get it right away. It’s something we say all the time here at Elvie, but consistency is key. Be persistent, and remain patient. Before you know it, they’ll be able to drift off to dreamland without any help at all — but it’s a gradual process.
What about the “cry it out” technique?
This controversial approach involves leaving your baby to cry in their crib, without stepping in, until they eventually fall asleep. The idea is that, over time, your little one will learn to calm themselves instead of depending on you to settle them every time they fuss.
Does “cry it out” work for every baby? No. And in truth there’s a lot of debate in the medical community about its effectiveness, so you’re advised to speak to a paediatrician before trying this technique.
“Controlled crying” is a slightly more delicate and research-backed method where you leave them for a short period of time and return to comfort them at intervals. There are gentler approaches too, where you stay with your baby and comfort them in their sleep space.
If you do decide to give this method a go, start by waiting just a few minutes before comforting them. Over time, you can gradually increase the wait time, allowing them a chance to self-soothe while you stay close. Eventually, you should find that your tot learns to relax all on their own — though don’t be surprised if it takes some time to get there!
Self-soothing won’t happen instantly — but if you both put the work in, you’ll soon see your baby gain more sleep independence!
Reviewed by Rosey Davidson, Sleep Consultant, founder & CEO, in November 2024.