8 minute readWhile a lucky bunch of mums experience these sensations, many don’t. Studies have shown that around 20% of new parents don’t feel an immediate connection with their newborns — so if this sounds like you, take a deep breath. You’re not broken, and more importantly — you’re not a bad parent.
Bonding is a process, and for some, it takes a little longer than expected. Throw in a particularly rough birth experience, postpartum hormones, a side order of exhaustion — or simply the massive life shift of becoming a parent — and it’s easy to see why.
But just because you’re struggling to connect with your tot now doesn’t mean this will always be the case. Below, we’ll discuss why baby bonding can be so troublesome for some parents, and more importantly, what you can do to strengthen your parent-to-tot connection.
Bonding isn’t always instant (and that’s fine!)
Some parents feel an immediate connection with their child, while others can take weeks or months to build that attachment. Neither experience is wrong. No matter how tempting it may be to compare your childraising experiences, try to remind yourself that building a family isn’t a competition.
All sorts of things can drive a wedge between you and your child, and there are many reasons why you might not experience that much-anticipated instant bond, including:
A difficult or traumatic birth: If labour and delivery were challenging, you might feel physically and emotionally drained, making it tricky to channel whatever energy is left into bonding with your baby.
Postpartum depression or anxiety: Mental health conditions can make it particularly difficult to develop a mother-baby connection. And while lacking a bond with your tot doesn’t always have its roots in postpartum depression, it’s always best to consult a medical professional if your depressive symptoms stay around for 2 weeks or more post-birth.
Exhaustion: The sleep deprivation and all-out exhaustion of caring for a newborn can make everything — including bonding — feel overwhelming.
NICU stays: If your baby needed medical attention after birth, separation can delay the natural bonding process.
A lack of support: It takes a village to raise a child. If you’re left without the help and support you need, this can hinder your ability to establish a strong bond with your tot.
Is it normal to not feel connected to your baby during pregnancy?
Yes! Some parents might feel an immediate sense of joy and excitement when they see a positive pregnancy test or hear their baby’s heartbeat for the first time, but others may take a little longer to warm up to the idea of parenthood — and that’s fine!
You might feel:
Like your pregnancy isn’t “real” yet: In early pregnancy, when there’s no visible bump or movements, it can be hard to truly grasp that a baby is growing inside you.
Scared the past might repeat itself: If you’ve had a miscarriage, a difficult pregnancy, or anxiety about becoming a parent, you might hesitate to fully connect as a form of emotional self-protection.
Tired and sick: Morning sickness, fatigue, and body changes can sometimes make pregnancy feel more like a struggle than a magical experience.
Signs you’re struggling to bond with your baby
It’s important to stress that bonding often doesn’t occur naturally. If you’re not feeling connected with your newborn, it’s better to acknowledge the issue and face it head on. So often, parents ignore the signs for fear that they’re at fault. Remember: there’s no shame in struggling to bond with your baby.
Below, we’ve outlined some of the most common signs of bonding difficulties. And if any of the challenges below seem familiar, don’t worry — we’ll dig into how to overcome them, too.
You struggle to understand your baby’s cues
Babies aren’t the best at communicating. Fortunately, the ability to externalise thoughts and desires will develop in due time — by which point, you’ll probably be longing for the goo-goo-gaa-gaa days… For now, you’ve got to interpret their cries, facial expressions, and body language. If you’re finding this hard (and who could blame you!) it may contribute to feelings of frustration or inadequacy, further distancing you emotionally.
You’re struggling to soothe your baby
When your baby cries, do you feel frustrated, confused, or helpless? Do you find it nearly impossible to comfort them? Knowing that it’s up to you to soothe your tot, but not understanding how, can drive a real wedge between the two of you.
You feel isolated or disconnected
The sudden shift from pregnancy to motherhood can feel like a complete handbrake turn, and parents — particularly mums — often talk about feeling invisible once their child is born. If you’re going through the motions of parenthood but don’t feel emotionally present, bonding can feel difficult. This might manifest as feeling detached from your baby or even feeling resentful about your new role as a parent.
Negative emotions consistently outweigh positive feelings
Of course, all parents experience frustration from time to time, especially during sleepless nights or difficult feeding sessions. But if frustration, stress and resentment are the first emotions that come to mind when thinking about your little one, it may suggest that bonding is not progressing as it should.
How to strengthen the bond with your baby
If bonding with your baby isn’t happening as naturally as you’d hoped, don’t stress. Love and connection grow over time, and there are plenty of ways to help it along. Here are a few simple things you can try:
Cuddle up for skin-to-skin time
Snuggle your baby close to your bare chest and let them soak in your warmth, your heartbeat, and your scent. This simple act works wonders in making both of you feel safe, loved, and connected. Bonus? It also helps regulate your baby’s body temperature and stress levels.
Chat, sing, and read to your baby
Your voice is magic to your little one, even if you’re just narrating your morning coffee routine. Sing a lullaby, chat about your day, or grab a book and read aloud — your baby doesn’t care about the words, they just love hearing you.
Look into their eyes
Babies are wired to seek out faces, and yours is their favorite. Lock eyes, smile, and copy their expressions — it helps them feel seen and loved while strengthening your connection.
Be there when they need you
When your baby cries, try to respond as best you can. You won’t always get it right (and that’s okay), but every time you comfort them, you’re showing them they can trust you — and trust is the foundation of bonding.
Wear your baby
Okay, opinions may be a little divided on wearing our babies, but while it might feel a little strange at first, baby wearing isn’t a new phenomenon — the practice is commonplace outside of Western culture and has been for millennia. And besides, the benefits are plenty: your baby gets to feel close to you, hear your heartbeat, and be part of your day, all while you have your hands free.
Take care of yourself, too
It’s easy to put yourself last, but your well-being matters as much as your little one’s. Rest when you can, eat nourishing foods, and don’t be afraid to accept support from others. A more rested, supported you will find bonding much easier.
Ask for professional help if you need it
If bonding still feels difficult after some time, or if you’re struggling with feelings of sadness, anxiety, or detachment, talk to a professional. There’s no shame in getting support, and doing so can make a world of difference.
Baby bonding for fathers
Fathers and non-birthing parents may also struggle with bonding, especially in the early days. Since they don’t experience pregnancy and birth firsthand, their connection with their baby may take longer to develop. Here are some ways dads can foster attachment:
Take on caregiving tasks: Diaper changes, feedings, and bath time all create valuable bonding moments for dads.
Have skin-to-skin time: Just like with mums, holding your baby close can build a strong emotional connection.
Be involved in bedtime routines: Rocking, singing, and comforting your baby at night can be powerful bonding experiences.
Spend one-on-one time: Even short moments of undivided attention — talking, playing, or simply holding your baby — help build a strong relationship over time.
Support your partner: A strong partnership creates a nurturing environment for your baby and allows both parents to bond in their own ways.
Struggling to bond with your baby doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent — it means you’re human. Bonding isn’t always instant, and that’s okay. It’s a journey built on small moments of love, care, and connection. By being patient with yourself, engaging in bonding activities, and seeking support when needed, you’ll soon find that your relationship with your baby grows stronger every day.
